So you've heard about AA, and you've seen 12 step groups in movies, but how do you actually go to your first 12 step meeting? What do you say? Does it cost anything? What is it like?
Here are 12 things to know before your first meeting:
1. You're not alone. You may be the only newcomer during that particular meeting, but everyone else has had to walk through the doors for the first time. No one wakes up and decides that life is going so well that it is time to go to a 12 step meeting.
2. Pick the meeting that matches your poison. There are 12 step meetings of all varieties. Google "12 step meetings for ______", and then Google that type of meeting near your location. In smaller towns, you may have to find the closest match. For example, Nar-Anon is for loved ones of addicts. Al-Anon is for loved ones of alcoholics. If there is no Nar-Anon in your town, you might try Al-Anon. Open meetings mean anyone can come. Closed meetings are for members and potential members. If you fit the criteria for the meetings, you can go to a closed meeting. For example, the criteria for membership of AA is the desire to stop drinking.
3. Reach out before you go. There is typically a name and a number listed with meeting information. Call that person. Yes, really. All you have to say is, "Hi, I am calling about the _____ meeting." Verify the time and location. You do not have to give your name or tell them anything about yourself. Block your number if you need to, hopefully they will still answer. This means someone will be looking out for a newcomer, and it may hold you accountable to going. This also means you will not show up at the wrong place.
4. Most 12 step groups are anonymous. It will not be reported in the paper that you visited a 12 step group, and members of these groups take anonymity very seriously. These groups often have signs that read "Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here." People can attend groups with others for years without ever learning their last name.
5. Meetings are prompt, and there will be coffee. The coffee is usually quite strong. Meetings generally last an hour, and groups are pretty adamant about starting and stopping on time.
6. Your first meeting is free. Most groups rely on "voluntary contributions," so after your first meeting it is up to you if you want to give. People generally bring $1, but no one will chastise you for not giving and you can give more.
7. You do not have to share until you're ready. You will typically need to say your first name. Some meetings go around the room and just say first name only. At other meetings, each person will say, "I'm ____ and I am a _______(alcoholic, addict, etc...). The group typically responds back by saying, "Hi ______."
You can say, "I'm ______, and this is my first meeting. I'm here to listen."
8. It's best to listen for your first few meetings. You may share if you feel comfortable, but in order to learn how the groups work it is good to listen. I have heard that old-timers (people who have been in the groups for a long time) will tell people who are talking too much to take the cotton out of their ears and stuff it in their mouth. That may just be a southern old-timer saying, but the idea is to listen and learn.
9. 12 step groups are for you. You may try them and they may not be your thing, but the focus is self. You may show up trying to get someone else sober or you may be blaming your situation on someone else, but that will only fly for a limited time. That may be what gets you in the door, but it's the peace and recovery that people find for themselves that keep them coming back.
10. Listen for the similarities. Yes, no one knows exactly what you are going through, and yes, there are differences between every story. Know that bucking up and thinking "but I am different" is a natural reaction. Sticking with that reaction may keep you stuck, so look for the similarities.
11. Reach out to someone you relate to. Does someone have something that you want (sobriety, peace, etc...) Ask them for their number. Call them. Terrifying, I know, but recovery grows in healthy relationships.
12. Take what you like. Leave the rest. Know that every meeting is different. Before you give up on that type of meeting, give it 6 tries. 12 step groups typically have their own language, and they definitely have their own slogans. It takes time to learn the language, and sometimes it can take time to like the slogans. The tools can be life changing, though. One individual in recovery shifts the entire family dynamic for generations.
Jondelyn Doler Catlette, MEd, LPC, NCC
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